A New Day Is Dawning

Dear daughter of mine,

Today you are performing at an outdoor venue and I wish I could be there to see you.  I want to and I know that you are aware of that.  I just can’t physically and emotionally bring myself to be around your father, his mother, his new wife and new baby boy when my entire world feels like it is just falling apart.  I have to do what is going to keep me strong.  I know you will do great.  I believe in you and I am so proud of you.  You are my heart and my soul.  I love you.  Don’t worry about Mommy.  I am going to be fine.  Today I am going to focus on getting myself rested and strong to fight the court battle and continue to work hard and be there emotionally and physically for you in a way that shows you strength.  My heart is broken into little tiny pieces and my financial stability is being questioned.  I no longer have my parents around to call and ask for advice.  I have to be the strong one and I have to be the one to make the tough decisions by myself.  Maybe that isn’t 100% correct though.  I say by myself but when I really think about it, I know that I am never alone in my pain.  God is here.  He is watching and He is taking care of me just like I take care of you.

Today is a new day.  It can be a beautiful day or a day of pain.  I choose a beautiful day.  I am going to do things for myself that will make me feel good, relaxed, loved and protected.  You only get one chance in life to live each day.  There is no dress rehearsal here.  No do overs.  It is what it is and you have to face the consequences of your actions and the consequences of those you choose to bring in your life.  Your father’s actions are at the moment inescapable.  But one day, Mommy will not have to rely so much on the spousal support and he will have no reason to keep dragging me back to court to get it reduced.

I am sitting in my bed looking out the window at the beautiful forest of trees outside.  There is little light in the sky and it seems dark and foreboding.  However, in a short while a transformation will begin.  The light will start to change in the sky and the dark will bring forth light; the birds will start singing, the people will begin walking their dogs and riding their horses on the trail and I will feel at peace.  Warm colors will fill the sky and break through the trees.  I can almost see it now.  I cannot wait.

Life is so beautiful sweetie.  I am sorry that you have had to see the harsh reality of divorce. It was tough on me and I know it was tough on you.  The first few years after the divorce was like living a nightmare.  I was living in so much pain and trying my best to just survive.  The past 5 years I was sure I was bringing us down the road to a life of love, stability, security and happiness.  I am not sure what happened yet and I think it is too soon to process it.  If I was to describe my experience with a short phrase, it would most likely be “Into The Rabbit Hole I Fell.”  Not sure really what that means yet but that is what it feels like.

Man my heart is hurting but I am hopeful.  God is so good and He promises a new day will dawn.  I am  going to sit quiet and wait to see what He has in store for me today.



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