Letters From A Broken Heart

English: Broken Heart symbol (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Dear sweet child of mine,

Well, today is by far one of the most difficult days I have ever had to endure.  The good news is I made it through and came home to my smiling, happy little girl.  The not so good news is I hold a world of sadness inside that I cannot share with you.  Instead, I just smile and keep going like nothing has happened.  But the reality is I feel like I have been hit with a Mack truck.

My Mom used to tell me when I feel sad, I should get dressed up and wear a cute little outfit and go out and be around people even if they are complete strangers.  I never really understood the last part until now.  I think that comes with maturity.  “Anyone is fine.  You just need to be around human beings,” she would say.  She was a very wise woman.  I plan to use her advice as much as possible to get me through this.

I don’t know what to call “this” exactly.  Is “this” an event, a period, a time, or a forever change in the course of my life?  Not really sure yet.  Hoping God will give me the wisdom and discernment to know where He wants me to go.  I know, you are probably thinking really?  God?  Yes.  God.

You know, I haven’t been the best example of following God’s will but I promise today to do a better job in the future.  You are so incredibly important to me and I want you to see me as an example of the woman you want to become more like…not an example of what not to do.  So, I start right at this very moment.  I want you to see me strong and happy.  There is no reason to be sad.  God knew this day would come and He knows what is in store for our future.  He is always with us and is in the midst of our most extreme pain and  our worst embarrassing moments.  He is also with us when we make really stupid choices.

Tonight I had to ask some very difficult questions and wasn’t really sure I wanted to hear the answers.  Tonight I grew up a bit more and faced the reality of the world and how dark it can truly be.  Tonight my heart was torn in half not in one quick moment but a long, slow, painful kind of event.

God was good to me though.  In the midst of my tears down by the lake, He almost shouted to me to stop crying.  I heard the words “I am here” and felt an immense sense of warmth come over my body.  That my child is the absolute truth.  I was quite a mess but then got quiet thinking about how God truly is here.  He was with me during that tough conversation.  He was with me when I drove home and He is with me now as I write these words to you.

The day started pretty horribly but it ended beautifully.  When I arrived home, I saw your face and knew that no matter what happens, I am the luckiest person on earth.  I get to live and spend my life with the most beautiful, kind, generous, loving, sweet, funny, God-fearing human being I know and for that I have nothing to be sad about. I am a lucky one.  I am so incredibly blessed and so glad that I had the parents I had who taught me the foundation I stand on when faced with difficult times.  I hope you see this in me.  I hope you are learning my strength.

Tonight as I close my eyes and go to sleep, I choose to look up and put my faith in God that He will take care of me.  God is my compass.  My moral guide.

Biggest hugs,

Mommy