Searching For Answers

Dearest daughter,


Ever since January 2013 when I was struggling for answers to why my heart rhythm was so irregular and I kept landing in ER’s with A Fib, I have not really been the same.  I find myself wishing for the days before this medical condition when I could physically do nearly anything I wanted to do.

Today I sit in bed writing this blog as I process a potential diagnosis of PH or PAH-Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension.  My medical team is still trying to get all of the tests run and compare the results to confirm the diagnosis but so far, this is what my cardiologist thinks is going on.

You are in France right now studying at Lyon and traveling all over learning all about the culture and the people.  You seem like you are having a great time and I am so happy for you.  A part of me wishes you were nearby though.  I feel so alone in this diagnosis and some sites quote life expectancy of 3-5 years…maybe more depending upon the type of PH. But either way, that would barely get you through graduate school and I just can’t have that be my story.

I honestly don’t know the advice I would give you at this point for times like these.  I don’t even know what I am doing or what I should be doing.  I am just surviving the moments right now almost going through the motions trying to take it moment by moment and do the best I can to find an answer.

I miss you.  I wish I was there exploring with you.  I wish I could get a hug.

So, for now, I just say-Don’t take any moment for granted. Be grateful for good health.  Try not to sweat the small stuff because the big stuff will rear it’s ugly head soon enough.

I love you my daughter.  I am going to try to find the answers to getting my body healed.




Hard Work and Dedication Pay Off

Dearest daughter,

Today I was told that you were given a “talk” about your priorities being out-of-place.  I know that I am your mom; but seriously?  How can anyone ever say such a thing about you?  What seriously are this person’s expectations especially in light of the fact that you worked so hard to do well yesterday in your riding lesson all after a full week of being sick.  Then after your lesson, that was delayed through no fault of your own, you had to rush to get your tack ready for your horse show the next morning.  Because you were running behind schedule…you get a talk about priorities.  Well, I think that person has misplaced priorities.

Let’s talk about your priorities:  You are a 15-year-old student enrolled in high school.  You wake up every day at 5 a.m.  Yes….I realize that is how early you wake up because most mornings I am up with you.  You feed and walk your dog, bring your school books downstairs, make your lunch, make your breakfast and get ready to ride.  At 6 a.m. you are up on your horse riding so that you can keep him in shape for an upcoming show such as today.  Then you put him away and jump in the car for the drive to school where you spend from 8:00 a.m. until 5:00 p.m. Monday through Thursday.  Fridays you are lucky to get off early but these are also the days you can train harder with the horses.  Then at night you have barn chores and homework, dinner and if you are lucky-time to relax.  You are taking many honors classes and received straight A’s this year all while holding a leadership position, doing volunteer work and being active in your church.  You are enrolled in 3 AP classes for next year and are planning to spend several weeks this summer shadowing veterinarians in your pursuit for a potential career path.

Yet…someone close to you has the audacity to say that your priorities are out-of-place?

Let me share something with you sweetie.  You are doing a fine job.  Your priorities are in place and it is showing in everything that you do.  You are quite successful and very happy and well-adjusted.  I question if the person who said that your priorities are out-of-place maybe has issues to deal with herself.  Not sure.  But you are anything but having priorities out-of-place.

I can’t share with you in person my feelings on this subject at this time…but one day we will talk about it.  Remember this is the day that you won many classes and a few Championships and qualified to be in the Medal Finals for October…all because your priorities are IN PLACE.  This can only happen with hard work, dedication, passion, effort, time and desire.

I am so impressed by the young woman you are becoming.  I hope that you don’t take these talks to heart from this person who in my opinion has no business stating some of the things she says.  I hope that you realize that you are an incredible young woman with goals and dreams and desires that I 150% support for now and evermore.  You are my daughter and nothing in this world makes me happier than to see you happy.  Even if I have to cancel an appointment or do without a new outfit or work three jobs to get enough money together so that you can reach your dreams, I will call that a gift that I get to “endure” and a mark of being a real mom.  One who is open and willing to sacrifice time, money, energy, pride so that her child can keep working towards her goals and dreams that will help guide you further in this path we call life.

I love you had hope that you will remain strong in the face of adversity and these “talks” and know that I am here and will always be here by your side cheering you along.  I am your biggest fan and will always be and I am incredibly proud of you!



Open Your Heart

Dearest Daughter, This is the first day of the new year.  Yet another day has come to be.  I look outside at the beauty of the world and have to be grateful that I get to spend another day on this earth.  Saying this is not always easy.  Some days, I feel disappointed or frustrated […]

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A New Day Is Dawning

Dear daughter of mine, Today you are performing at an outdoor venue and I wish I could be there to see you.  I want to and I know that you are aware of that.  I just can’t physically and emotionally bring myself to be around your father, his mother, his new wife and new baby boy when […]

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Letters From A Broken Heart

Dear sweet child of mine, Well, today is by far one of the most difficult days I have ever had to endure.  The good news is I made it through and came home to my smiling, happy little girl.  The not so good news is I hold a world of sadness inside that I cannot share […]

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Is There Anybody Out There?

Dearest daughter, Sometimes in life, we question whether we are the only one experiencing great loss or pain…almost as if nobody could understand what we are going through.  The day I had to give away my very first horse who I waited 30 years for was one of those days.  My horse and I were a […]

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