Christmas Blessings

Dearest daughter,

What a wonderful experience it was to have you home this Christmas.  2019 was a tough year for us medically and I know that you and I both are ready to ring in the new year and be done with it.  I am so grateful that we were able to spend the holiday together this year and end the year on a really great note!

I think back to our past Christmas experiences and to be honest, they are all over the place.  We really don’t have the traditions I had often wished we would create together.    Sometimes we would spend the break here in Cali.  Other times, we would travel to Florida or North Carolina to be with family.  Location was never something we could easily hold sacred because there were so many things out of our control when you were growing up.  But the blessing in all of that is the realization that we are happy no matter where we are.  We don’t need Christmas “traditions” for it to feel like Christmas.  We just need one another close in heart to share and celebrate all that we have to be thankful for.  And boy do we have a lot to be thankful for this year.

Yes, I had to have two surgeries and you landed yourself in the ER more than twice this year.  However, your symptoms are improving and you have been invited for interviews to every veterinary school you applied to and you are accepted to one already while patiently waiting for the results of the other applications.  You have done so well sweetie and for that, I am incredibly blessed and grateful.

We also have the blessing of being in this beautiful home with lots of space and our animals on the property.  It truly is a dream come true that you and I would fantasize about when you were really little.  I still cannot believe that we live here amongst these beautiful trees and pastures where the horses can be relaxed and sun in the pastures and our dog can run free on the property.  My favorite thing to do is sit on the porch and watch you ride Harry in the arena.  I am so grateful to Gilad for working so hard to get us in this property.

I look towards 2020 with great anticipation and excitement.  You have literally the world at your feet and have incredible choices to make.  I get to have a front seat to watch it all play out and I consider that yet another Christmas Blessing.

Remember to thank God for the blessing of his Son and for all that we have in our lives to be grateful for.  Every single painful experience that has brought you to this point has been an experience to grow you and make you stronger.  Don’t ever forget that those experiences are actually blessings in disguise.

I love you my sweet daughter and hope that this next year will be the very best yet.  I hope you will seek God in all things and most especially this very important decision of where to study next.




Searching For Answers

Dearest daughter,


Ever since January 2013 when I was struggling for answers to why my heart rhythm was so irregular and I kept landing in ER’s with A Fib, I have not really been the same.  I find myself wishing for the days before this medical condition when I could physically do nearly anything I wanted to do.

Today I sit in bed writing this blog as I process a potential diagnosis of PH or PAH-Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension.  My medical team is still trying to get all of the tests run and compare the results to confirm the diagnosis but so far, this is what my cardiologist thinks is going on.

You are in France right now studying at Lyon and traveling all over learning all about the culture and the people.  You seem like you are having a great time and I am so happy for you.  A part of me wishes you were nearby though.  I feel so alone in this diagnosis and some sites quote life expectancy of 3-5 years…maybe more depending upon the type of PH. But either way, that would barely get you through graduate school and I just can’t have that be my story.

I honestly don’t know the advice I would give you at this point for times like these.  I don’t even know what I am doing or what I should be doing.  I am just surviving the moments right now almost going through the motions trying to take it moment by moment and do the best I can to find an answer.

I miss you.  I wish I was there exploring with you.  I wish I could get a hug.

So, for now, I just say-Don’t take any moment for granted. Be grateful for good health.  Try not to sweat the small stuff because the big stuff will rear it’s ugly head soon enough.

I love you my daughter.  I am going to try to find the answers to getting my body healed.




Dearest daughter, Today I was told that you were given a “talk” about your priorities being out-of-place.  I know that I am your mom; but seriously?  How can anyone ever say such a thing about you?  What seriously are this person’s expectations especially in light of the fact that you worked so hard to do well yesterday […]

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Open Your Heart

Dearest Daughter, This is the first day of the new year.  Yet another day has come to be.  I look outside at the beauty of the world and have to be grateful that I get to spend another day on this earth.  Saying this is not always easy.  Some days, I feel disappointed or frustrated […]

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A New Day Is Dawning

Dear daughter of mine, Today you are performing at an outdoor venue and I wish I could be there to see you.  I want to and I know that you are aware of that.  I just can’t physically and emotionally bring myself to be around your father, his mother, his new wife and new baby boy when […]

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Letters From A Broken Heart

Dear sweet child of mine, Well, today is by far one of the most difficult days I have ever had to endure.  The good news is I made it through and came home to my smiling, happy little girl.  The not so good news is I hold a world of sadness inside that I cannot share […]

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Saying Goodbye and a Bunch of Other Things

Dearest daughter, I know how hard today was for you. It is never easy to say goodbye to someone you love. It is even more difficult, when it isn’t your choice. Just know that she is no longer suffering and is where she was telling everyone she was ready to go to. She loved you […]

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When a Man Loves a Woman

POST FROM 2013 Dear sweet daughter of mine, It is a normal, healthy desire for a woman to long to be wanted (and I mean really wanted) by a man.  I think it is also normal for a woman to want to feel important, pursued and valued.  There will come a point in your life, when you will have […]

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